One of Those Days

Ever have one of those days when you wake up all you can think about is where you should be in life versus appreciating where you are? Who decides what you should have accomplished by x age anyway?

I know I should focus on how much I have accomplished versus focusing on what I think I should have accomplished at this point. However, when you wake up thinking this as some of your first thoughts of the day, how can you not ponder?

I woke up this morning thinking I should have my degree finished, I should have children, I should be living in a house and paying a mortgage and taxes versus throwing rent money away each month. Then, as the thoughts tend to do when I am thinking about these shoulds, my mind goes toward why I have not accomplished these things yet and I start thinking about the ex; the role the relationship played on these shoulds.

He didn't make me stop going to school nor did he cause me to not be living in a house nor was he the sole cause of not having children. I own the fact I made the choice to take a year off from school that lead to many years away from a higher education. I own the fact I participated in poor financial choices that led to not owning a home while we were together, and I especially own the fact we didn't get pregnant in the 10 years we were together.

I'm making a firm commitment to myself to get back into school this year and to see it all the way through. I am in a good place career wise but it's true, you can only go so far without the little piece of paper and the debt to go along with the accomplishment. It's a personal goal to have my degree and at this point the only person standing in the way of me accomplishing this goal is me.

As for owning a house you have to know where you are going to settle down right? At least that is what my gut tells me. Even though things are good here and it feels like home, I am not convinced I will stay in the area. Some would say I've lived here for 5.5 years and should know by know that this is where I am going to stay but I have to keep it all in perspective.

1.5 of the 5.5 have been out of the military environment and I'm almost at year 1 of the divorce. People relocate all the time and buy homes without knowing if that is where they are going to stay long term. My line of thought needs to change a bit in this arena but honestly, I am extremely hesitant to do so. I need to soul search more on this to determine why so much hesitancy. Then, just do what I need to do to get that part of my life in order. For now, it works but if I am thinking about home ownership on a semi frequent basis, there is a reason.

Children...deep down I think I knew all along we weren't going to grow old together. Believe me I tried, I hoped, I prayed. The voice inside and the good lord above made sure we didn't bring a child or children into the world together. I just wonder if I ever will experience the joys of children at this rate.

I do want to have a family and all that it entails. First, I have to let someone into my life for it to work out the way I desire. I can't honestly say my clock is ticking but I have to be honest and say the thought of the years going by without taking this step are a small nagging thought when it comes to me thinking about having children.

Medical advances are making it safer and safer to have children later in life. I think of Mom and how she was 38 when she had me back in the 70's plus all of the other women who are having children in their late 30's and even through their 60's nowadays. I know there is still time left. Yet, I think, what if it doesn't happen for me?

What a heavy way to start a Sunday!