Beaotch

First let me start off by saying I love my cats. I really do. But I don't love them when before the butt crack of dawn I'm woken up because "someone" wants their kitty cat crack.

I swear my Siamese is a person trapped inside of a fur body. She talks to you like a person and manipulates like some people. This cat has some serious personality and I adore her. However, I make lots of concessions for her too. Yes, I admit it. I am a sucker for those blue eyes.

So, what's prompting me to write about this? Well, let's see. About 4 months or so ago I had to move the alarm clock off of the nightstand and onto the dresser because she figured out how to step on the sleep button. I don't wake up to the sound of music on the alarm so I have it set to a static area. Do you know how annoying it is to be woken up from a nice sleep by the sound of static all because your cat wants her crack or wants the bed all to herself? Beaotch.

I'm here to tell you it's ANNOYING. I promise you she knows what she is doing. It was no mistake on her part. Maybe once or twice I could say, "Oh poor thing is pacing and stumbled across the button." But when she did it for 4 straight days before the alarm went off...there's no mistake about. Beaotch. Double Beaotch because now I have to get out of bed to hit the snooze button. Heck, I might as well just get up. Doesn't she know 5:30 is early enough? Yep, I get up at 5:30 AM during the week days unless I have an early morning flight somewhere. I swear to you this cat knows how to read an alarm clock.

Ok, so now that she doesn't jump on the dresser and hit the sleep button she's discovered the art of knocking stuff off of the nightstands. We've moved beyond knocking stuff off because I don't keep anything on there now. No more water glass for me. No more book on top of the nightstand for me. No more cell phone charging right next to me. That's love people. Pure, unconditional love.

Her most recent trick is with the cordless phone. It's an older model that has the voice memo and answering machine function. I don't use either...luckily. I'm a voice mail queen. I say luckily because if I did you'd hear something like this when you called. Meow, MEOW, MEOW , MEEEEOOOOWWWW and then me telling her to quit and that I am not ready to get up or some other version of her meowing and me telling her to shut up.

This cat, who I love dearly, has figured out how to record herself. That's been the trick over the last few weeks. The stupid digital voice that says "Record Message" is what wakes me up. Then the meowing begins. If you have a Siamese or know someone who does, you know what I am talking about. It's not a gentle meow. It's not one meow. It's full on, in your face, pay attention to me meowing.

Again, I'd like to say it was a fluke but she's doing it every morning. Do you think this cat does it when I am out of town? Heck no. I check the machine when I get home. She only does it when I am home. Beaotch.

Ok, so wanna' know what this week's trick is? Even if you don't want to know I am going to tell you. You've made it this far so hang in there for the craftiness of kitty cat crack whore. She's figured out how to play the damn voice recording back! Again with the stupid digital voice. Now it says "You have x amount of messages". Then, not only do I get to hear her meows, but she meows right along with the dang meows she's recorded. Again, no fluke. She's done it 2 days in a row. Beaotch.

Oh, and in case you are wondering what I'm talking about when I refer to kitty cat crack I am talking about moist Whisker Lickin's. She and her quiet sister (god love the Manx and the quietness of her breed) get some every morning. Kitty cat crack whore has to take a pill every morning so the bribe for shoving the pill down her throat is 3-5 Whisker Lickins'. I have officially created a monster.

I swear I have to go out of town just to get some sleep. Ha! Take that love kitty. No crack for you. I leave in the morning for a 3 day tour.