Sunshine

When I think of sunshine, some of the thoughts that come to mind are
- happy thoughts
- warm thoughts
- safe thoughts
- being alive thoughts
- thoughts of splendor
- thoughts of cheer
- thoughts of a bright star that is the basis for our solar system that sustains life on Earth

When I think of sunshine, I think of him.

He makes me laugh. He makes me feel safe, protected, loved. He challenges me. He’s my accountability partner. He calls me out and keeps it real when I need to be checked. He listens. He cherishes. He can tell by the sound of my voice how my day is going and inherently knows what I need to process many times before I do. He gets me. He allows me to be me. He takes the good, the bad, the ugly, the endless cat stories, oft-repeated vents, into the wee hours of the morning conversations and somehow keeps coming back time and time again. He has this look that can drive me insane with a longing I forgot was possible to feel.

We’re the best of friends and only, if only, circumstances were different, he’d be my lover, my other half.

What’s stopping us from pursuing this? Fear partly. But mostly, it’s a little thing called career. We can’t cross the line without the risk of long lasting ramifications, up to and including separation of employment.

We can deal with the miles that separate us but neither of us is in the position to jeopardize the bread and butter, what we’ve worked tirelessly to achieve at this point in time. I’m not his boss and he’s not mine but there are a few dotted lines that connect us.

We know we shouldn’t let work be the root cause of not pursuing something that could be wonderful but this simply is a line neither one of us is willing to cross. Some of our conversations put me at risk and then I have to back away, remember the role I play, the position I am in, and fight to keep the two separate. I’m sure he feels the same way from time to time too but I have more to detach from than he.

So, for now, we settle for what we are willing to offer to one another. We’ll continue to flirt shamelessly. When we’re in the same city, we’ll continue to give each other that look of which the behind the eyes meaning is known hopefully only to us. We’ll continue to steal moments in time while keeping a small distance between us, apprehensive to be alone for fear of where it could lead. We’ll continue to act as if the hugs, the graze of a few fingertips, the act of standing a little bit closer than normal, or an inhale of each other's personal scent doesn’t hold a longing of which quite possibly could set our worlds on fire if given the chance.

Only, if only, circumstances were different…