Contemplation

con‧tem‧pla‧tion  ˌkɒn təmˈpleɪ ʃən, -tɛm- - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kon-tuh m-pley-shuh n, -tem-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the act of contemplating; thoughtful observation.
2. full or deep consideration; reflection: religious contemplation.
3. purpose or intention.
4. prospect or expectation.


I can’t sleep. I’ve been tossing and turning for hours now. I’ve tried just about everything I can to get some zzzz’s.

My mind is racing. I’m going from one thought to the next. It’s pissing me off. It’s making me sad. It’s irritating me.

So, I decided to get out of bed and write about some of the stuff weighing on my mind.

In about 24 hours I turn another year older. I realize each day we are alive we’re aging. We’re one day closer to the end. It’s enough to make you want to live life to the fullest when you look at it that way.

I didn’t have a hard time turning 30. It was 29 that did me in.

Same this year. I’m one year away from the big three five. It’s not that big of a number but it is haunting me.

I’m stuck in the rut of contemplating where I am currently versus where I think I should be or what I thought I would be doing when I turned this age.

I know it’s the wrong thing to do. It’s the worst thing I can do. I should focus on what I have. Concentrate on seeing the beauty and blessings each day brings.

Instead I’m beating myself up.

I have my health. I am surrounded by people I love and that love me. I have a career I enjoy, as frustrating as it can be from time to time. I have a roof over my head, money in the bank, and food in the pantry/fridge. I get to experience a lot that others don’t get to. Yada, yada.

In my head I hear all the other things.

The what I wants.

The what I should haves.

The expectations society places on you.

Know what? The older I get, the less I like birthdays.

Punk ass.

Why can't I feel like this right now?